Stuff & Nonsense

Take a look at the pics and then take the quiz...

View this quiz on Quibblo More quizzes on Quibblo

Um, sorry. But question 5 doesn't have the answer you'd expect. And I can't change it. Soz.

Back From The U.S.A.

Alive and relatively untainted. More to follow tomorrow.

In the mean time, keep on truckin'.

T-Nizzle

Bible-iscious

You might know that I'm not huge on religion. I have read more of The God Delusion than I have of the Bible, which might not be fair, but Richard Dawkins is just so rakishly handsome, I believe him over anyone with a beard. Including 'God'. And Archbishop Rowan Williams. You know, him of wild eyebrows and getting into trouble over that adopting Shia law thing earlier on in the year.

So I was reading an article in the American magazine The Week. It's good in that it keeps illustrators in work. Like the New Yorker. It covers most of the weeks news, so that you can know what's going on without buying broadsheets every day and killing too many trees. The article was about how publishers are sexing up the Bible to make it attractive to, well, as many people as possible. Witness:


The Duct Tape Bible

Get this. It's a Bible. Covered in duct tape. And that's the main selling point. 'The first-ever Bible wrapped in duct-tape!' the website shouts. Woof. I'll have twelve please. The second 'feature' is slightly more impressive, given that it includes the 'plan of salvation', but you had me at duct tape.



The Outdoor Bible

Waterproof! Rugged! Tear-resistant! Modular! (?)
This bad-boy ain't going anywhere. Just like the word of God, sucka. And, it's got a camouflaged cover. So you can lose it in the jungle and no-one will ever find it.



The TruGlo Bible

Glows in the fucking dark. Nuff said. Well, actually, only the cover glows in the dark. But the words of Christ are in red, in case you miss them. But in Latin, Jehova begins with an I! (First one to guess the movie gets a Canadian choclut bar. Answers on a postcard.)




The Real BibleZine

As Kanye West sings in 'Jesus Walks' - "If I talk about God, my record won't get played?" Well, you're Kanye West, so yeah, it'll get played. But if it's MTV and you're a Christian rocker, then, er, no. Cos that's lame. What has the potential to be even more lame though is the Christian rap cd that's included with Real. It's a BibleZine, which I think is some kind of magazine, that proclaims to be down wit da kids. Homesie. The Bible stories retold in the language of the street must be special...

"Chigga chigga yeah! I be Noah-Dog, Rollin' 920BCs. I has seen da light, and has been aksed to make one mothereffin' pimpin' boat to fit a whole crap-load of animals in. Get yo ass to the zoo."

Ahem.


The Bible Experience

This is one I might actually consider. It's a 21-hour marathon audio book, read by exclusively black actors. Like Denzel Washington. AND it's got Samuel L Jackson as God. Awesome. "And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers." Or something. Useful if you're blind, or you drive a lot.


There's a load more, but I've had enough Bible for one day. You've got to give it to them, that Bible thing'll be selling for a long long time. It's still only a story though.

Genesis

1: In the beginning Tommy created breakfast and the washing up afterwards.

2: And Tommy was without form, and void, pudgy, one might say; and darkness was upon the face of Him. And the Spirit of Tommy moved upon the face of the sofa, cos it was surprisingly uncomfortable.

3: And Tommy said, Let there be light: and he turned the switch on. But backwards, because it's Canada and it's weird.

4: And Tommy saw the light, that it was a bit too bright: and Tommy used the dimmer switch.

4a: And Tommy got a black eye. Because for those who don't know, Tommy has a sister, who is at the VFS studying makeup design. She was practicing. (Ed gets to be a drag queen on the Friday.)

5: And Tommy called the light almost lunchtime, and time therefore for a dinner-plate sized sandwich from the new place called So.cial, and the darkness he called bedtime. And the evening and the morning were the first day of his time in Canada.


6: And Tommy thought, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters. And let it divide the washing up from the already clean dishes in the dishwasher.

7: And Tommy looked up what 'firmament' meant in the dictionary, and it wasn't what he thought it was.

8: And Tommy noted that 'firmament' was a silly word. And decided to go snowboarding on Mount Seymour; which, incidentally, was effing boiling. Awesome. And the evening and the morning were the second day.


8a: And Tommy was told, "We are going to a book sale at the library; which means cheap books", and so Tommy reluctantly attended. Tommy bought 'Inside The Crips' for $2.50, and instantly felt harder, but at the same time slightly embarrassed.

9: And Tommy said, Let the waters under the bottom tray of the dishwasher be gathered together unto one place and cast asunder, cos it smells really bad; Foosty, like; And, cross fingers, let the dry glasses appear clean from the top rack: and it was so.

10: And Tommy thought, We really need to go to Costco to get some stuff to eat; cos it's all stale cereal, those individual pots of Del Monte fruit pieces that no one eats, and a quarter of a jar of mouldy salsa. Note to self: Create smaller pots for salsa.

11: And on the way to Costco, Tommy said: Cor blimey guv'nor, there's a bloody massive tank over there, I'm going to climb on it and sit on it in a manner that would suggest that the barrel is a similar shape to my wanger: and it was so.



12: And Costco brought forth an obscene amount of meat, and 72 toilet rolls for $17.98, and the bag of purple potatoes, whose bag broke open on the way home: and Tommy saw that it was good, so he rolled a potato down the street and it got run over by a car. Cool.

12a: And Tommy went for a walk on the beach in Vancouver with Ed and Libby, and it was also good; 'cept they wouldn't let Tommy pick up the abandoned Frisbee for fear of AIDS or HIV or crabs, which, incidentally, Tommy would have a hard time getting. (The crabs. You know why.)

13: And the evening and the morning were the third day. So there.


14: And Tommy said, Let us make some kind of plans for this holiday stroke 'research mission' otherwise we'll end up not doing anything and then it'll be a waste time and money. And Libby's flatmate Sascha used 'chagrin' in a sentence; and Tommy was astounded, for that truly is a word to rival 'firmament' in its common usage.

15: And neither Tommy nor Ed were any good at making any plans, but luckily they didn't argue about it; not like Ed and Iarla used to argue, for that wasn't a healthy relationship.

16: And so finally they agreed to visit the Vancouver Aquarium, hereafter referred to as the Van Aq, even though Tommy had been previously, but that didn't matter, because Tommy is simple and likes to watch the fish, and the mammals also.

17: And Tommy and Ed set off to the Van Aq, a thirty minute walk from the apartment, but without enough clothing, resulting in chilly nips.

18: And they fair raced around the Van Aq, much faster than when Tommy was here last time, cos Ed doesn't take the time to marvel at real beauty; despite this, Tommy had fun anyway, and was 'talked' to by a very young child, who's mother informed Tommy that he looked like her brother, which would explain why this normally shy child would talk to a complete stranger. Lucky Tommy isn't deranged.

19: And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.


20: And Tommy said, Again, we really haven't made any plans yet, and I'm still not concrete on what firmament means.

21: And Tommy realised that this verse has 'created great whales' in it, which would have been appropriate for the Van Aq section. It also has 'every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly', which also would have been useful, and Tommy thought that it was a good idea to mention it anyway.

22: And Tommy blessed Ed, once they had come up with a secret plan to be revealed at a predetermined date, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, but just not in the same Motel room as me please.

22a: And Tommy and Ed walked the forty minutes to Granville Island, and bought fish and green beans for dinner. But there was no need for any miracles, cos it was plenty thank you very much.


22b: And whilst on Granville Island, Tommy discovered the very definition of a blunt market vegetable: and He saw that it was good, but He didn't buy it cos it was prohibitively expensive.


23: And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

23a: And Tommy ran out of pictures, patience and events to report, but did not run out of ideas to quietly mock religion and believe it is ok. And it was good.

Summer In The City

At least that's what it felt like. Ed arrives safe and sound from QT, NZ. We embrace, I feel his heart beating against mine. It's been a long time, but with good friends you know that it will always be easy to pick up where you left off. He's the same Ed, but as the day wears on, he seems distant. Slighter, the sparkle in his Robbie-Williams eyes has dimmed. I can tell he misses his adopted home and orphan friends. The girl he left behind. He shows me pictures of his leaving party, speaks affectionately about aspects of his life there, and tells me about the tears he shed as he fully realised the implications of his decision to leave.

Ahem. I thought a Mills & Boon style might be appropriate there. Perhaps it was. Apart from the hearts beating part. Artistic License.


It was Elizabeth / Libby / Libs / my sister's birthday on the 11th. We went out to a sushi-fusion-noodle place called The Eatery. And then had ice-cream cake from Dairy Queen. Very north America.

Above - Some things never change.

More later. We have to 'do' stuff now, apparently. So much for my holiday. I've got to spend it 'doing' stuff. Lame.

3 Last Things About Singapore

I've realised that there were a few things about Singapore that I thought were obvious, but hadn't mentioned in the blog.

• Jaywalking is illegal. If you're spotted by one of the smartly-uniformed police officers, you're likely to get a slap on the wrists and a $20 fine. It is one of Iarla's missions to get one.

• Chewing gum is also illegal. You can't buy it anywhere, except for medicinal or therapeutic uses. So unless you want to chew nicorette gum for 'fresh' breath then you have to get used to a packet of mentos.

• It's prohibited to take the Durian fruit onto most public transport systems. Why? Because it smells like, and I quote:

"pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock"ª

It stinks. How anyone got to the point where thinking that eating it would be a good idea is beyond me. I was challenged to find the durian display in a supermarket once, by literally 'following my nose'. I was adamant that I was heading towards the out-of-order, blocked-up toilets, but no, there was the durian display, replete with depressed looking man, chopping up the 'fruit' to put into small polystyrene trays, and then wrap up with cellophane. Which, incidentally, you can still smell it through. I didn't eat it.

Last thing - I can't say 'thank you' enough to Iarla, Nesh (and the Hof) for their hospitality. Though the whole reason I was there in the first place was to visit Iarla, they couldn't have been more accommodating and gracious hosts. I love you guys.


ª - Richard Sterling, Travel writer and food critic.

I'm Not Here.

I'm now in Canadia, where the weather is backwards to Singapore, but there's still lots of asian people. They get everywhere. I've a suspicion that that sounds racialistic. Anyway, not to worry. Some of the last things I did in Singapore:

The Red Dot Design Museum is a small, not-so-perfectly formed showcase of the 'Red Dot Award' nominated products and concept designs. Things like mobile phones, watches, light fittings, pens, along with a bunch of more experimental stuff. It's quiet, well thought out, and interesting - although, again, the concept design displays were heavy on my enemy, writing. The experience was spoiled ever so slightly when approximately twelve thousand schoolchildren from a variety of schools appeared from nowhere and latched themselves onto each and every exhibit. So I went and had a cookie and a can of Kickapoo Joy Juice. Matt - it tastes like Mountain Dew.

There's a Formula 1 race in Singapore in September - Iarla and I went for a jog around part of the street circuit - it's going to be the first Formula 1 night race ever. Lots of it isn't built yet, but some of the road has been done with special tarmac which it smooooooooth. More than can be said for my feet afterwards.

Went to the Botanic Gardens for a walk and a think. Took some pictures of vicious, wild terrapins. Then got rained on. Also went to the Zoo with Nesh. My favourite were the jaguars. Rar. And I held a snake. Stupidly, I was surprised when it felt cold. Dur.


Some Bars To Visit:

• Raffles for the obligatory Singapore Sling. It's where it was invented, that's why, you troglodyte. It was good, but not $25 good. (That's £9) The best part about Raffles is that there are wooden boxes about half the size of a shoe box on each table, which are periodically filled to overflowing with salted monkey nuts. And it's cool, nay, positively encouraged, to throw the shells on the floor. Which I took to with great gusto, sometimes forgetting to eat the nuts inside. I was also surreptitiously filling up Iarla's umbrella, until he noticed. Game Over.


• The New Asia Bar, on the 71st floor bar of the Swissotel, the tallest building in Singapore. The dark wood floors slant downward toward the windows to give you a better view of the skyline. I toasted JD from Scrubs with a delicious Appletini. Now that's a drink. We also got a real treat, listening to a fat and ugly Australian guy trying to chat up a fatter and uglier Singaporean woman:

"So, what is it you do then?"
"Oh right, in a shopping mall?"
"Gosh, you must be so busy..."
"Aren't you tired?"
"What time do you usually start?"
"And what time do you finish?"
"You must be so busy..."

I tried to open the window so the man could throw himself out of it, but, to my surprise, you couldn't open the windows on the 71st floor. Probably something to do with the air conditioning.

•Loof is not so lofty, it's on the 3rd floor of a close by building. They had just had the opening of the Singapore Film Festival there - so it was all trendy people with badger-stripe mullets and Gauloises. Iarla's flatmate, Leon Hofland, hereafter referred to simply as 'Hof', asked:

"Is it your mission to order the gayest drink in every bar you go?"

What had turned up at the table was a Gummiberry cocktail - a bright red thing topped with fresh meringue. Perhaps he was right.

• One Rochester, the 19th best pub in the world, apparently. It's a beautiful old colonial house, surrounded by quiet gardens with huge palm trees. We talked about ouijaboards. Some kids did one in the chapel at school once. Velly Dangelous.


Get Out Of My City:

Iarla and I took a half-day trip to Pulau Ubin, a small Island just off Singapore. You jump on a $2 Bumboat (har har) ferry thing that takes 10 mins to get there. The done thing is to hire a bike, and then pootle around the island, taking in the scenery, dodging the odd wild pig, and then back to the start for a beer and some fresh crab in black pepper sauce. The thing was, the bikes had brakes that didn't, well, stop. At all. Let's just call them 'speed modulation devices'. I think it was the renting people's way of trying to prevent people going fast and injuring themselves. Of course, this didn't stop Iarla. He went fast and I injured myself. I've some handsome bruises on my thigh from very nearly coming a super-cropper down some steps and onto some sharp looking rocks. They may have to amputate.


Went to hear a bit of culture with a free concert from the Singapore Symphony Orchestra, which was held in the Botanic Gardens. There's a special stage in the middle of a lake, which faces onto a small valley, in which hundreds of people came to have picnics, play touch rugby, get so sweaty that they had to change tops twice and then have a lie down, and eventually listen to some free music. They played something from the Magnificent Seven, but that's all I can remember.


The last thing I managed to do in Singapore was wake boarding. I. Was. Rubbish. At least for the first 10 or so goes. I couldn't even get up. Then I think I maybe managed to do it by accident, and after that it was hit and miss. A bit like sexytime. If you do have a go, don't hold on too hard. (Wake boarding, not sexytime.) Otherwise your forearms will be so mangled, you'll have trouble opening doors, holding onto glasses full of juice, or wiping your arse. Not that that happened to me.


One thing I forgot to mention - men's fingernails. Now, I know it's quite common in Asia, but it's still strange to see a man with half-inch-long, pointy talons. I don't quite know what they're for. Opening cans? Peeling fruit? Slicing virgin's throats?

I played 'Who Want To Be A Millionaire' on the plane on the way back. After winning €1000 three times, and €0 once, I triumphed and won a virtual million Euro. I expected everyone elses screens to flash up, shiny confetti to expode on top of me and the Captain to come along with a goody bag, a handshake and a pat on the back for being such a clever boy. But it just said 'Game Over'. Just to let you know, for €250,000, David Beckham's birthplace is in Leytonstone. You never know when that might come in useful.

So that was it. Singapore. Food, shopping, and occasional ladyboys. Oh, and Iarla cried when I left. Gay.

Last Request - Part One

I'm just about to leave - here's a load of stuff I forgot to say.

$3 Singaporian dollars is about £1.

I finally bought flip flops that don't tear my feet apart. But not just any flip flops. White and gold flip flops with bottle openers in the soles. I think they'll come in particularly useful, given I live in a cold country and don't drink a lot of beer.

The Asian Civilisations Museum demanded lots of reading, which I didn't give in to. Instead, I crouched down at the intricate dioramas and pretended I was in an opium den too. And I got to dress up as a Torajan warrior. The waistcoat thing didn't quite fit me though. I think it was made for a six year old.

Changi Prison is again, a lot of reading, but it's a sobering reminder of what people had to go through in the POW camp that was run by the Japanese during WWII. If you're interested, read 'King Rat' by James Clavell, or you can watch the film of the same name. I don't know if either are any good, but I'd wager the book's better. The best thing about going to the Prison is that you pass the real, modern day prison, which has cool signs outside. The guards look like they're threatening to shoot people if they don't do a silly dance:



We went on a day trip to Johor Bahru, in Malaysia, so you don't have to. It was a dump. BUT, I did get a whole page of stamps in my new passport. There were three other good things about the day:

• We saw the equivalent of a Securitas team leaving one of the huge malls with the days takings. Except, instead of seeing one guy in an armoured van, and one guy with a helmet holding a secure briefcase - we saw one guy with a shopping trolley full of cash, and another with a double-barrelled shotgun, heading towards one of those tiny vans that would fall over if you lean on it. Hmmmm.

• Massages. A 'sports massage' that lasted an hour and a half was £11, which was a bargain, of sorts, depending on whether paying for pain is up your street. At least it was cheap. I can imagine Max Mosley paid a bit more for his shenanigans. It was very tranquil and relaxing until the woman started poking the ends of my toes with what felt like a knitting needle. That is what's called 'acupressure', apparently. I then got dumped in a small, lime coloured room for five minutes to recover from the ordeal. Then the lady came back in to crack my bones, although I didn't know that at the time. I can crack a lot of my bones myself, but she was so determined to get more cracks out of me that she decided that standing on me was the only way to achieve this. I then got given a cup of nasty tasting leftover pasta water to drink, which I can only suppose was to relax me even further. I think it was Ginseng tea. I would recommend the experience nonetheless.

• There was a whole arcade full of Japanese sticker printing photobooth machines, so we thought we would get some done. But it was all in Japaneses and therefore rather confusing. Apparently Doki Doki! is Japanese onomatopoeic for 'rapidly beating heart'. That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. Apart from going into a Japanese sticker printing photobooth in the first place.


Right, that's too long already. I'll post again soon with some more of the stuff that I forgot to write last time. Otherwise you won't read it.

The Five Best Things About Singapore

1. The Food

There's so much of it. And if you do it right (No McDonalds, then) it really can be cheaper than eating at home. That's what I've been told anyway. I'd imagine if you lived here too long, your culinary skills would begin to match those of Ann, the mongoloid-faced dinner lady from school. No, really. She was a spaz.


2. The MRT

Mass Rapid Transit. The underground, basically. The trains have no drivers, which is cool, because it means you're essentially being chauffeur driven by a robot. Along with 500 or so other people. In a big metal tube. You can't inconvenience other passengers by throwing yourself in front of the train, since the platforms all have those glass walls like on the Jubilee Line in London. Which, incidentally, is a festering pit of mouldy hell compared to the MRT, whose station floors I would happily eat off. And it's cheap too.


3. Everyone Speaka De Engrish. (Of sorts)

This we can attribute to Sir Stamford Raffles, apparently. He's the guy who 'founded' Singapore as we know it in the 1800s. Although, if history had panned out differently, there would be more of a Scottish influence here - in 1703 Singapore was offered to a Scottish ship captain, who's name escapes me. I'd imagine he said something along the lines of "Och no, it's tae hot fer me, but ta anyways bug-man. I'll take that bottle o' Buckie though instead. Bargain!" And so the Scots were doomed to a life of 'oppression', epidemics of gingerness, and a disturbing menu of deep-fried food products. And that's a scientific fact.


4. British plugs.

Another triumph for colonialism. No need for enormous travel adapters that look like some form of sexytime torture device. Winner.


5. The ladyboys. I'M JOKING MUM.

But not really.


5a. The Storms.

Not the weather, the storms. The weather here turns you into an obsessive compulsive maniac. If like me, you sweat as soon as you put on any form of shirt with buttons on it, you'll need to have about twelve showers a day, own a myriad of antiperspirant devices, or just get really good at finding routes to places that don't involve going outside. But when it rains, it rains. It rains that hard that it'll tear your skin off. But at least you won't need moisturiser. Feeling hungry? Oh, wait, that's the thunder rumbling the whole building.

I've done more specific tourist stuff, but I'll write about that later.

Cherubs & Demons

WARNING.

If you're my grandparents, or my parents, or anyone else I suppose, really think twice about reading on.

So, er, that stupid thing I was talking about...

I'll just come right out and say it.

Suffice it to say that my nether regions are about as hirsute as Patrick Stewart's head after 6 weeks of chemotherapy.

As smooth as as a bowling alley covered in vaseline.

As silky as Barry White in satin PJs stroking a panther.

And just in case you wondered:


Yes, it hurt. No, never ever ever again. And no, I don't know why.

Iarla got it done too. At least it sounded like he did. It's ok for him. He's got a girlfriend. I'm never going to get any. Like this would be the only reason...

-T

PS: You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't care.

Oh, and PPS: Apparently some of you think that going to the cinema and climbing an indoor wall aren't exotic enough things to be doing. Like I should be wrestling tigers in the jungle, or getting smacked off my tits at the local opium den. It's HOT here. Cinemas are a sensible temperature. And the climbing wall was not technically inside. It was covered, cos it rains here. So there.

Maybe I'll go and watch another film...