Bible-iscious

You might know that I'm not huge on religion. I have read more of The God Delusion than I have of the Bible, which might not be fair, but Richard Dawkins is just so rakishly handsome, I believe him over anyone with a beard. Including 'God'. And Archbishop Rowan Williams. You know, him of wild eyebrows and getting into trouble over that adopting Shia law thing earlier on in the year.

So I was reading an article in the American magazine The Week. It's good in that it keeps illustrators in work. Like the New Yorker. It covers most of the weeks news, so that you can know what's going on without buying broadsheets every day and killing too many trees. The article was about how publishers are sexing up the Bible to make it attractive to, well, as many people as possible. Witness:


The Duct Tape Bible

Get this. It's a Bible. Covered in duct tape. And that's the main selling point. 'The first-ever Bible wrapped in duct-tape!' the website shouts. Woof. I'll have twelve please. The second 'feature' is slightly more impressive, given that it includes the 'plan of salvation', but you had me at duct tape.



The Outdoor Bible

Waterproof! Rugged! Tear-resistant! Modular! (?)
This bad-boy ain't going anywhere. Just like the word of God, sucka. And, it's got a camouflaged cover. So you can lose it in the jungle and no-one will ever find it.



The TruGlo Bible

Glows in the fucking dark. Nuff said. Well, actually, only the cover glows in the dark. But the words of Christ are in red, in case you miss them. But in Latin, Jehova begins with an I! (First one to guess the movie gets a Canadian choclut bar. Answers on a postcard.)




The Real BibleZine

As Kanye West sings in 'Jesus Walks' - "If I talk about God, my record won't get played?" Well, you're Kanye West, so yeah, it'll get played. But if it's MTV and you're a Christian rocker, then, er, no. Cos that's lame. What has the potential to be even more lame though is the Christian rap cd that's included with Real. It's a BibleZine, which I think is some kind of magazine, that proclaims to be down wit da kids. Homesie. The Bible stories retold in the language of the street must be special...

"Chigga chigga yeah! I be Noah-Dog, Rollin' 920BCs. I has seen da light, and has been aksed to make one mothereffin' pimpin' boat to fit a whole crap-load of animals in. Get yo ass to the zoo."

Ahem.


The Bible Experience

This is one I might actually consider. It's a 21-hour marathon audio book, read by exclusively black actors. Like Denzel Washington. AND it's got Samuel L Jackson as God. Awesome. "And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers." Or something. Useful if you're blind, or you drive a lot.


There's a load more, but I've had enough Bible for one day. You've got to give it to them, that Bible thing'll be selling for a long long time. It's still only a story though.