The Five Best Things About Singapore

1. The Food

There's so much of it. And if you do it right (No McDonalds, then) it really can be cheaper than eating at home. That's what I've been told anyway. I'd imagine if you lived here too long, your culinary skills would begin to match those of Ann, the mongoloid-faced dinner lady from school. No, really. She was a spaz.


2. The MRT

Mass Rapid Transit. The underground, basically. The trains have no drivers, which is cool, because it means you're essentially being chauffeur driven by a robot. Along with 500 or so other people. In a big metal tube. You can't inconvenience other passengers by throwing yourself in front of the train, since the platforms all have those glass walls like on the Jubilee Line in London. Which, incidentally, is a festering pit of mouldy hell compared to the MRT, whose station floors I would happily eat off. And it's cheap too.


3. Everyone Speaka De Engrish. (Of sorts)

This we can attribute to Sir Stamford Raffles, apparently. He's the guy who 'founded' Singapore as we know it in the 1800s. Although, if history had panned out differently, there would be more of a Scottish influence here - in 1703 Singapore was offered to a Scottish ship captain, who's name escapes me. I'd imagine he said something along the lines of "Och no, it's tae hot fer me, but ta anyways bug-man. I'll take that bottle o' Buckie though instead. Bargain!" And so the Scots were doomed to a life of 'oppression', epidemics of gingerness, and a disturbing menu of deep-fried food products. And that's a scientific fact.


4. British plugs.

Another triumph for colonialism. No need for enormous travel adapters that look like some form of sexytime torture device. Winner.


5. The ladyboys. I'M JOKING MUM.

But not really.


5a. The Storms.

Not the weather, the storms. The weather here turns you into an obsessive compulsive maniac. If like me, you sweat as soon as you put on any form of shirt with buttons on it, you'll need to have about twelve showers a day, own a myriad of antiperspirant devices, or just get really good at finding routes to places that don't involve going outside. But when it rains, it rains. It rains that hard that it'll tear your skin off. But at least you won't need moisturiser. Feeling hungry? Oh, wait, that's the thunder rumbling the whole building.

I've done more specific tourist stuff, but I'll write about that later.