Genesis

1: In the beginning Tommy created breakfast and the washing up afterwards.

2: And Tommy was without form, and void, pudgy, one might say; and darkness was upon the face of Him. And the Spirit of Tommy moved upon the face of the sofa, cos it was surprisingly uncomfortable.

3: And Tommy said, Let there be light: and he turned the switch on. But backwards, because it's Canada and it's weird.

4: And Tommy saw the light, that it was a bit too bright: and Tommy used the dimmer switch.

4a: And Tommy got a black eye. Because for those who don't know, Tommy has a sister, who is at the VFS studying makeup design. She was practicing. (Ed gets to be a drag queen on the Friday.)

5: And Tommy called the light almost lunchtime, and time therefore for a dinner-plate sized sandwich from the new place called So.cial, and the darkness he called bedtime. And the evening and the morning were the first day of his time in Canada.


6: And Tommy thought, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters. And let it divide the washing up from the already clean dishes in the dishwasher.

7: And Tommy looked up what 'firmament' meant in the dictionary, and it wasn't what he thought it was.

8: And Tommy noted that 'firmament' was a silly word. And decided to go snowboarding on Mount Seymour; which, incidentally, was effing boiling. Awesome. And the evening and the morning were the second day.


8a: And Tommy was told, "We are going to a book sale at the library; which means cheap books", and so Tommy reluctantly attended. Tommy bought 'Inside The Crips' for $2.50, and instantly felt harder, but at the same time slightly embarrassed.

9: And Tommy said, Let the waters under the bottom tray of the dishwasher be gathered together unto one place and cast asunder, cos it smells really bad; Foosty, like; And, cross fingers, let the dry glasses appear clean from the top rack: and it was so.

10: And Tommy thought, We really need to go to Costco to get some stuff to eat; cos it's all stale cereal, those individual pots of Del Monte fruit pieces that no one eats, and a quarter of a jar of mouldy salsa. Note to self: Create smaller pots for salsa.

11: And on the way to Costco, Tommy said: Cor blimey guv'nor, there's a bloody massive tank over there, I'm going to climb on it and sit on it in a manner that would suggest that the barrel is a similar shape to my wanger: and it was so.



12: And Costco brought forth an obscene amount of meat, and 72 toilet rolls for $17.98, and the bag of purple potatoes, whose bag broke open on the way home: and Tommy saw that it was good, so he rolled a potato down the street and it got run over by a car. Cool.

12a: And Tommy went for a walk on the beach in Vancouver with Ed and Libby, and it was also good; 'cept they wouldn't let Tommy pick up the abandoned Frisbee for fear of AIDS or HIV or crabs, which, incidentally, Tommy would have a hard time getting. (The crabs. You know why.)

13: And the evening and the morning were the third day. So there.


14: And Tommy said, Let us make some kind of plans for this holiday stroke 'research mission' otherwise we'll end up not doing anything and then it'll be a waste time and money. And Libby's flatmate Sascha used 'chagrin' in a sentence; and Tommy was astounded, for that truly is a word to rival 'firmament' in its common usage.

15: And neither Tommy nor Ed were any good at making any plans, but luckily they didn't argue about it; not like Ed and Iarla used to argue, for that wasn't a healthy relationship.

16: And so finally they agreed to visit the Vancouver Aquarium, hereafter referred to as the Van Aq, even though Tommy had been previously, but that didn't matter, because Tommy is simple and likes to watch the fish, and the mammals also.

17: And Tommy and Ed set off to the Van Aq, a thirty minute walk from the apartment, but without enough clothing, resulting in chilly nips.

18: And they fair raced around the Van Aq, much faster than when Tommy was here last time, cos Ed doesn't take the time to marvel at real beauty; despite this, Tommy had fun anyway, and was 'talked' to by a very young child, who's mother informed Tommy that he looked like her brother, which would explain why this normally shy child would talk to a complete stranger. Lucky Tommy isn't deranged.

19: And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.


20: And Tommy said, Again, we really haven't made any plans yet, and I'm still not concrete on what firmament means.

21: And Tommy realised that this verse has 'created great whales' in it, which would have been appropriate for the Van Aq section. It also has 'every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly', which also would have been useful, and Tommy thought that it was a good idea to mention it anyway.

22: And Tommy blessed Ed, once they had come up with a secret plan to be revealed at a predetermined date, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, but just not in the same Motel room as me please.

22a: And Tommy and Ed walked the forty minutes to Granville Island, and bought fish and green beans for dinner. But there was no need for any miracles, cos it was plenty thank you very much.


22b: And whilst on Granville Island, Tommy discovered the very definition of a blunt market vegetable: and He saw that it was good, but He didn't buy it cos it was prohibitively expensive.


23: And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

23a: And Tommy ran out of pictures, patience and events to report, but did not run out of ideas to quietly mock religion and believe it is ok. And it was good.