I'm Not Here.

I'm now in Canadia, where the weather is backwards to Singapore, but there's still lots of asian people. They get everywhere. I've a suspicion that that sounds racialistic. Anyway, not to worry. Some of the last things I did in Singapore:

The Red Dot Design Museum is a small, not-so-perfectly formed showcase of the 'Red Dot Award' nominated products and concept designs. Things like mobile phones, watches, light fittings, pens, along with a bunch of more experimental stuff. It's quiet, well thought out, and interesting - although, again, the concept design displays were heavy on my enemy, writing. The experience was spoiled ever so slightly when approximately twelve thousand schoolchildren from a variety of schools appeared from nowhere and latched themselves onto each and every exhibit. So I went and had a cookie and a can of Kickapoo Joy Juice. Matt - it tastes like Mountain Dew.

There's a Formula 1 race in Singapore in September - Iarla and I went for a jog around part of the street circuit - it's going to be the first Formula 1 night race ever. Lots of it isn't built yet, but some of the road has been done with special tarmac which it smooooooooth. More than can be said for my feet afterwards.

Went to the Botanic Gardens for a walk and a think. Took some pictures of vicious, wild terrapins. Then got rained on. Also went to the Zoo with Nesh. My favourite were the jaguars. Rar. And I held a snake. Stupidly, I was surprised when it felt cold. Dur.


Some Bars To Visit:

• Raffles for the obligatory Singapore Sling. It's where it was invented, that's why, you troglodyte. It was good, but not $25 good. (That's £9) The best part about Raffles is that there are wooden boxes about half the size of a shoe box on each table, which are periodically filled to overflowing with salted monkey nuts. And it's cool, nay, positively encouraged, to throw the shells on the floor. Which I took to with great gusto, sometimes forgetting to eat the nuts inside. I was also surreptitiously filling up Iarla's umbrella, until he noticed. Game Over.


• The New Asia Bar, on the 71st floor bar of the Swissotel, the tallest building in Singapore. The dark wood floors slant downward toward the windows to give you a better view of the skyline. I toasted JD from Scrubs with a delicious Appletini. Now that's a drink. We also got a real treat, listening to a fat and ugly Australian guy trying to chat up a fatter and uglier Singaporean woman:

"So, what is it you do then?"
"Oh right, in a shopping mall?"
"Gosh, you must be so busy..."
"Aren't you tired?"
"What time do you usually start?"
"And what time do you finish?"
"You must be so busy..."

I tried to open the window so the man could throw himself out of it, but, to my surprise, you couldn't open the windows on the 71st floor. Probably something to do with the air conditioning.

•Loof is not so lofty, it's on the 3rd floor of a close by building. They had just had the opening of the Singapore Film Festival there - so it was all trendy people with badger-stripe mullets and Gauloises. Iarla's flatmate, Leon Hofland, hereafter referred to simply as 'Hof', asked:

"Is it your mission to order the gayest drink in every bar you go?"

What had turned up at the table was a Gummiberry cocktail - a bright red thing topped with fresh meringue. Perhaps he was right.

• One Rochester, the 19th best pub in the world, apparently. It's a beautiful old colonial house, surrounded by quiet gardens with huge palm trees. We talked about ouijaboards. Some kids did one in the chapel at school once. Velly Dangelous.


Get Out Of My City:

Iarla and I took a half-day trip to Pulau Ubin, a small Island just off Singapore. You jump on a $2 Bumboat (har har) ferry thing that takes 10 mins to get there. The done thing is to hire a bike, and then pootle around the island, taking in the scenery, dodging the odd wild pig, and then back to the start for a beer and some fresh crab in black pepper sauce. The thing was, the bikes had brakes that didn't, well, stop. At all. Let's just call them 'speed modulation devices'. I think it was the renting people's way of trying to prevent people going fast and injuring themselves. Of course, this didn't stop Iarla. He went fast and I injured myself. I've some handsome bruises on my thigh from very nearly coming a super-cropper down some steps and onto some sharp looking rocks. They may have to amputate.


Went to hear a bit of culture with a free concert from the Singapore Symphony Orchestra, which was held in the Botanic Gardens. There's a special stage in the middle of a lake, which faces onto a small valley, in which hundreds of people came to have picnics, play touch rugby, get so sweaty that they had to change tops twice and then have a lie down, and eventually listen to some free music. They played something from the Magnificent Seven, but that's all I can remember.


The last thing I managed to do in Singapore was wake boarding. I. Was. Rubbish. At least for the first 10 or so goes. I couldn't even get up. Then I think I maybe managed to do it by accident, and after that it was hit and miss. A bit like sexytime. If you do have a go, don't hold on too hard. (Wake boarding, not sexytime.) Otherwise your forearms will be so mangled, you'll have trouble opening doors, holding onto glasses full of juice, or wiping your arse. Not that that happened to me.


One thing I forgot to mention - men's fingernails. Now, I know it's quite common in Asia, but it's still strange to see a man with half-inch-long, pointy talons. I don't quite know what they're for. Opening cans? Peeling fruit? Slicing virgin's throats?

I played 'Who Want To Be A Millionaire' on the plane on the way back. After winning €1000 three times, and €0 once, I triumphed and won a virtual million Euro. I expected everyone elses screens to flash up, shiny confetti to expode on top of me and the Captain to come along with a goody bag, a handshake and a pat on the back for being such a clever boy. But it just said 'Game Over'. Just to let you know, for €250,000, David Beckham's birthplace is in Leytonstone. You never know when that might come in useful.

So that was it. Singapore. Food, shopping, and occasional ladyboys. Oh, and Iarla cried when I left. Gay.