San Francizzle

So my flight was canceled an hour before it was scheduled to go. So that sucks for me, but it doesn't for you, cos you get to read about more of my adventures, since I've got all this time to burn. Choon. Oh, and I didn't take all the pictures. Ed and I had one argument, and it was over his lack of appreciation for the art of photography. It ended up with him throwing his camera bag on the floor and shouting "Everything I do is wrong! It's never good enough for you, is it?" Suffice it to say that I was indeed right, that his photography skills do leave a lot to be desired. Something he later admitted, albeit under the duress of 2 sips of shandy.

So, last time you visited, I was in a car crash in Seattle and then in San Francisco. It wasn't like a warp jump or anything. The airbags didn't go off and suddenly the car was sitting in the middle of a gay pride march. It doesn't matter how we got there, just that we did, and are alive. As an aside, airbags have the texture of a rough plastic potato sack, and, whilst not particularly comfortable, do a good job of exfoliating your face.


Alcatraz Cruises, run by California National Parks, has quite the monopoly over 'The Rock'. They basically run the island. There's a recorded spiel on the ferry - something along the lines of:

"Try not to be a spaz and fall over the side. You can buy an expensive soggy panini that was made 6 weeks ago from the cafe downstairs. And don't forget to leave that $10 poster in the public toilets by the Golden Gate Bridge. On behalf of all the crew, thank you for choosing Alcatraz Cruises."

Like you have an option. You can't just swim out there, y'know.

So Alcatraz does stink of bird shit. Which isn't surprising, since the name comes from 'La Isla de los Alcatraces', which means 'The Island of the Seabirds'. Aside from all the shiz, there's a guano-load of stuff to keep you interested, so you can spend as much time as you like pretending to be a mental in one of the solitary confinement cells, and take the ferry back whenever suits you. Included in the ticket price is an excellent audio tour which the former guards and prisoners narrate, and though none of them can say 'escape' without pronouncing it 'ecscape', it is still engaging, describing amongst other things, the escape of three guys who made fake heads out of cotton, soap and human hair. Clever. They most probably drowned trying to cross the bay in their 'raft' made from a raincoat. Not so clever.



As for San Francisco proper, the trams are initially an awesome novelty, as you can hang off the side without a care in the world, as long as you take care not to clonk your nuts off an Escalade's wing mirror - they really come that close to other traffic. They're mostly a tourist draw, since they're slow and cold in winter, but the operators are good banter and know a lot about the routes. The car works by locking on to a cable that is running at a constant speed under a rail on the street, so sometimes you can smell burning rubber if it doesn't grip properly. Gosh, interesting. Apart from that...

• There's lots of homeless people.
• BBQ ribs are extremely hard to find.
• The hills really are quite steep.
• EDtv was the best movie shot there. Scientific fact.
• You might also encounter this bus. You go half way round the world to escape...



True to the stereotype, there are lots of gays in San Francisco. The first two people we encountered in public services - a bank and a restaurant - were fruitier than a virgin Appletini with extra cherries. If I was pushed, I'd have to pick Lance, as he took such good care of his hair. Although Daniel was very prompt with the sauce, fnarr fnarr. Seeing a gap in the market for a rough, unkempt, balding man-ho, Ed went out and one night to earn some money and came back very proud of himself:


We also went to Whistler and had the best snow I've ever been on. Of course I hated it at first, because I was a spaz, but then grew a pair and realised that going faster is better.


That's it. If I remember anything else you'll be the first to know. Cross fingers, I'll be in the UK on Thursday night. I'm thinking I'll keep posting on the blog. Maybe I'll start a Ten Dollar Big Love empire. What do you think?

-T